00:00.31 archpodnet Welcome back to the ser archology podcast episode 2 68 so we've heard some good experiences and some advice along the way. But do we want to unless you guys have anything else. You want to really get out there I want to really push on this segment at least by the end of it some you know. 00:12.63 Heather A. 00:19.90 archpodnet Maybe best practices that you've just learned along the way keeping in mind that everybody's situation is different so these would be best practices that work for you guys know what? what? really you know helped you get through and then people have to pick and choose what works best for themselves and then you know maybe share this episode just as a conversation starter on your socials and and say what you did and see what other people did. 00:23.32 Bill White Um, yeah. 00:24.36 Heather Yeah. 00:39.73 archpodnet You might find that there's a surprising number of people going through the same thing you are and you know they might have good helpful tips so who wants to go first. But yeah I'm I'm interested in hearing this because I have nothing. Okay. 00:42.68 Heather Yeah. 00:43.90 Bill White Yeah I I can go first I can go first I mean the best thing about having kids is they bring you back into the present of like what really is happening and what really matters right? And even though it seems like there. 00:53.53 Heather Um, the. 00:59.68 Heather Yes. 00:59.90 archpodnet No. 01:03.20 Bill White You know things like you know you put butter on the wrong side of the bread or something else. They're they're growing and they're trying to learn how to handle their emotions through experience with all different kinds of stuff happiness and disappointment and stuff. But your kids bring you back to the moment and give you something to think about besides your stupid career. 01:20.25 Heather Um, yes, a ben. 01:20.98 Bill White Stupid job will drink all of your life. It will take everything and more of you. It'll suck your whole soul down if all you do is spend all your time thinking about money what other promotions what other little gadgets and junk you can get in houses. But the only reason to even have all that stuff is because you're a human being and kids help you remember that they help you remember. 01:22.20 archpodnet Ah. 01:29.58 Heather A. 01:40.40 Bill White Why we're even doing this why there are people why we call us ourselves you know sapient and then it's also great to see them grow right? like it's It's just really cool to watch them grow over time and figure so many things out and you know even folks who spend a moderate amount of time with their kids will. Share a lot of important memories and events with them and give them experiences and then when you do them I mean same things that you used to do when you're a kid and you do them with your kids. It changes the whole meaning right? and it makes you feel something completely different that you didn't feel before and it it does give you kind of an insight into what your parents were thinking when they. 02:16.85 Heather Yeah, yeah. 02:18.43 Bill White Took you on that adventure or they provided that opportunity right? So So I just say that folks. It's absolutely worth it. If you're going to be a parent. Don't worry about what you know how you're going to figure it Out. Don't worry about you know what's going to happen with archeology and how you're going to do all this other stuff because. There's pathways for it to happen and also there's the reality that if it doesn't Happen. You still have your kid and you still have your family and that's what actually really matters. 02:46.71 Heather Yes, amen um I would say everything that bill just says so I go reiterate I I completely agree. Um you know that having children isn't for everyone. Um, so I would say I would encourage those who are employers or managers if you don't have children that you talk to friends that do so that you do have a perspective and you can have some compassion because I do see that there's you know there are there. I've seen a lot where there's supervisors and employers that haven't had children that just don't have the compassion for their staff that do and you know somehow you have to have some kind of understanding I think just you know. Talking to friends that do have children and trying to get that perspective is is good. Um, but I think that don't be discouraged. You can have children. Um, you know again I was a single mom I worked full time and I was in graduate school and I did it. But the only way I did it. Was with the help of good friends and ah compassionate professors and a great employer and so you know if you don't have that then this is just like Doug said an opportunity for you to find that and you know that's what life is life. You know throws situations at you. 04:11.30 Heather That can either. Um, if you allow it can can you know take you down the road of negativity and and um disappointment and or it's an opportunity for you for change and to make your life better and so it it is possible. You just have to find. The right partners to make it possible. 04:32.63 archpodnet Okay. 04:35.80 Bill White And I'd I'd also like to build on that a bit to that suggestion that Heather made about supervisors who are understanding I have worked in Crm um, and you know academia with a bunch of absolutely horrible people who have kids who are sacrificing that time with that child and they're with their family. So that they can do their job and you can't you can't fix someone who is damaged so badly that they won't pay attention to what's really going on in their life and are sacrificing everything and so there's going to be supervisors who have no idea what it's like to be a parent There's supervisors who have kids who are horrible. Parents. 05:00.91 Heather A. Um, yeah. 05:10.52 Heather Yes. 05:11.58 Bill White And just treat their employees really horribly because they feel like whatever this stupid crm um project or this archeology site or this book or whatever ignorant class. They're teaching is the sum of their whole life. There's no way you can avoid those folks in archeology. Sadly there just is a lot of people. There's a lot of people who. 05:20.90 Heather Turra. 05:31.40 Bill White Thought that they just had to basically forget about being a parent and forget about having a child just so that they could pursue this career So you know you're going to encounter them I don't know what to say about that stuff. It's up to you how you deal with them in my experience I Just you know look at them as like that's a sad example of what I never want to be in life. 05:36.60 Heather True. 05:47.75 Heather Here. 05:48.84 Bill White Someone who has a kid who has spent all their time writing these books or being a professor or serving on committees that do nothing I mean that's what I don't want to do with my life. 05:57.46 archpodnet Yeah. 05:59.60 Doug Yeah, man to follow up with Bill like yeah I would there like don't there's no guarantee that if someone has had children that they will be a understanding boss. In fact, probably some of the worst people you will. 06:12.60 Heather True. 06:18.78 Doug Ever me and this is not just for like parents. But this is like across all groups like people with disabilities um minorities like the worst people tend to sometimes be the people who did it and got out and they are just like completely oblivious to how hard it is. Um, and then have someone of a chip or ah, a bit of a side like well I did it. Why can't you and you're like yeah your partner stayed home. Um with the children and did it like that's the you made enough money so that you could have a single income household and you had ah you essentially had a 24 hour um 06:41.89 Heather Hey. 06:57.49 Doug Child care there with your partner but like those people um, will be completely oblivious. So I I don't think there's like I mean I have a bossuit they chose not to have children and ah, he's pretty good when I'm like. Hey man, it's ah it's ten o'clock I'm gonna miss most of today because I need to go pick up my child from the nursery because they're they're puking everywhere. Um sorry and they'll be like yeah na no worries about it. Um, like and and they don't have children. He doesn't have children. So um. Yeah, like I'd say people who do have children will be more likely to be um, considerate but also some of the worst people you're ever going to meet are the ones who had children and think it's an easy thing to do because of their circumstances and you should just suck it up. Um, and get a full-time nanny like they did. Um, yeah I've met those people but like it it goes across all sorts of groups. Um, you know anything like people will be like you run into like sort of like the disability um environment in the archeology or any disability environment like. 07:53.62 Heather Now my goodness. Yeah. 07:57.85 Bill White But. 08:11.66 Doug The people who are disabled but have got by will have a huge chip on their shoulder about like oh I did it. Why can't you? um so it covers a lot of different things one last sort of comments. Oh sorry Heather go ahead. 08:14.20 Bill White Yeah, yeah. 08:16.20 Heather Um, right? Yeah I don't yeah, go ahead? No no, you go ahead I had something to respond to that but you finish and then I'll say it. 08:28.82 Doug I was I'm a change to a slightly different topic. So ah, you comment and I'll come back. 08:31.90 Heather Okay, okay, so what I was going to say is again I don't want to sound like that person who's saying I did it. You could do it too I Just want to give it I don't think that That's what you're saying but um I um. 08:40.47 Doug Are the. 08:48.16 Heather Yeah I want to give encouragement. It can be done but I think there's 2 things that you have to do in order to make this happen and um from an employee standpoint number 1 you have to be intentional. You have to know what your your deal breakers are what are those things like you have to look at what. And those things are going to change. You have to reevaluate it because those of us that are parents know that just you know I think that's been a thread throughout this entire conversation is that things don't go the way you think they're going to go. They can always switch up. So I think that you have to be intentional and you have to do reevaluations over you know your parenting. Periods but you have to say these are things that are deal breakers for me I must do this with my child I am going to do this with these I am going to um, spend a considerable like I'm not going to allow my work to get in the way of being a good parent period. But what does that mean and you have to write that down and say. This is what it means for me right now and be intentional about it and then the second thing is honesty so you have those times where you go to your employer and say listen I'm stuck I don't know you know my whoever my friend didn't show up and I can't my kids have not been picked up yet or. Or I went to drop them off at Daycare and something happened the the plumbing blew and they had to close the daycare or whatever those things happened and so as long as you're honest, we all know there's people that use children as an excuse to not be responsible. Employees. 10:19.52 Heather That doesn't happen all the time but it does happen and employers should not assume but as an employer or employee you have to be honest, do not use your children as an excuse to get away with other things so that when you really are giving a reason why something can't happen that it's honest and it's true. So and that's when your employer is going to or they should a good person should understand and work with you. But if you're always using your children as an excuse. You know that gets old after a time so I would say the 2 things are being intentional as a parent a working parent and being honest. 10:56.81 archpodnet Okay, that's really good any other advice or or things you just me, go ahead. Doug. 11:00.22 Doug So Maya well serva us off tangent but related is like 1 thing you sort of find like weirdly after having a toddler as bill was saying earlier. We like. Learning to manage their emotions and like you know that's a difficult time and stuff but like it. It also helps you a lot in your work when you realize how many people out there are emotionally stunted. Um, you're just like oh man. Oh I get it now. Um. And you're like well yeah, they they have the ah the emotional capacity of a toddler and that's the way they act the way they do um it helps you walk away from um, toxic people in the field when you're able to sort of get that that view of like oh. No matter what they do, they're never going to be able to control their ah their emotions. Um, because you know they're like thirty forty fifty or sixty and it hasn't happened yet. It's probably not going to happen. But yeah, having children can put a lot of work in perspective and help you be able to. Ah, deal with difficult people manly because every day is like living with a mini terrorist. Um or but like like it's describeing like if you describe like a toddler. It's like describing the joker from Batman like yeah, you know sometimes they're just going to go in there. They're gonna be like. 12:24.37 archpodnet Ah. 12:25.54 Bill White Ah, ah. 12:35.80 Doug I choose violence today is violence I love you dadnna violence I love you dadda violence and like ah you guys laugh because you know that. 12:37.25 archpodnet Now. 12:39.74 Bill White Ah, yeah, ah. 12:40.45 Heather I Awesome Um, let's awesome I Love it. 12:46.50 Bill White Ah, yeah, it is It is they even have face paint too just like the joker and they don't want you to wash it off either. 12:55.40 Doug No, never never. 12:57.71 Bill White Yeah, the the other thing I would say is ah you know it gives you something to think about outside of work because your work has to stop when you go home because you can't work anymore because you have a family and everything right? So if you have a partner you can just sit there and grind all day all night you never have to stop. But when you have kids they they kind of make you stop and also a lot of the like. 13:06.80 Heather Yes, yes. 13:17.12 Bill White Stuff that I used to not like about work like team building or the constant shilling or people always wanting to hang out and stuff Well now I don't have to do any of that because I have my kid and I never have to do any of that extracurricular friendship anything anymore and it's It's great because then you're with other parents who have other jobs and other things to do. Instead of always having drinks with the crew and then always having this and always hanging out and always going to their barbecue.. It's great unless they have kids then then sometimes you're roped into that that. 13:46.14 Heather Yeah I'll just I'll say that you know preparing for being a working parent. Um, if you have the flex if you have the the the ability to do it if you know you're young, you know you want Children. You need to start making those plans now. Start you know trying to find an employer that you know is going to work with you like we should all be trying to you know, working for or looking for employers I I know it can be scary but when you're working for someone and you know that that person is not workable that person is not um. You know, reasonable understand that it's not going to get any better. It will likely get Worse. So If you're in that Situation. You have an employer that is not reasonable and you intend to have children. It's probably now is the best time to start moving forward because I know we say you know I'm looking for somebody else. 14:38.20 Bill White Um, yep. 14:41.94 Heather I Know that we say you know well just you know we're saying ah find find a better employer. But when you are let's say a single mom and you have to bring in Money. You can't just go and quit your job and find someone else. You don't even know where that someone else is so I think doing that ahead of time. And um, being intentional with making sure that you're setting yourself up if you have the the luxury of doing that I highly suggest that and then the other thing is is that I do want to encourage anyone who is you know members Please if you have any questions I'm open just tag me I'm happy to help. Love you know ah helping others through being a working mom. Even whether you're in a marriage or you're out or a working parent I should say working dad Also so I'm here for you, please reach out. 15:35.18 archpodnet Okay, well with those words of encouragement I think because you know you guys have all been through it and you guys have done it. So It's proof that it can be done I suppose it's not for everybody you know, but you got to you got to plan it out and and and make sure it works. But. Anyway I don't have anything else to say on this because I have no kids and and it's not looking good for the Future. So That's you know where I'm at. 15:58.66 Doug On no curs. You do do do you have any more comments as ah as a ah as ah as a non child person or or wait. What's what it oh of wait. Um, we were supposed to be using this from the ah the dictionary thing like. 16:02.27 Bill White Um, ah. 16:07.22 archpodnet Um, listen um. 16:14.70 Doug A person afflicted without ah without children I think is what we're supposed to call you a person afflicted with a free time. 16:15.20 archpodnet Right? right? Yeah, you got to be pd about it I will say I will say the only reason we record this so early in the morning on a Sunday is because of you doug. So I think we're going to move this back to say Tuesdays at four Pm Pacific so you can revenge record at 1 a m. 16:15.67 Bill White Are the. 16:27.64 Bill White Um. 16:32.88 archpodnet That's what I'm thinking we won't hear the kids they'll be asleep. Ah. 16:32.96 Bill White Ah, well, they'll have to whisper then so that no one wakes up like okay I don't have anything to say this week at all I don't want anyone to hear me. 16:36.42 Heather Ah. 16:38.57 archpodnet Yeah, exactly Nice nice, all right, all right. 16:46.74 Bill White Unless you clean out the closet Doug I'm telling you clean out the closet. It's a comfortable place to record. Ah. 16:50.77 Doug Oh man, they'll call him closets here the Calm cupboards. 16:55.47 Bill White Okay, well Cupboard cupboard closet podcast room. Ah. 16:56.15 archpodnet That's true with true sleep in the cupboard. That's right, all right? Well with that. Thanks a lot comment share and we'll see you guys next time all right keeping it rolling for the outro here we go thanks to everyone for joining me this week 17:01.40 Doug Ah. 17:12.83 archpodnet Thanks Also to the listeners for tuning in and we'll see you in the field goodbye. 17:15.50 Bill White By. 17:19.58 Heather Bye everybody. 17:21.33 archpodnet Doug you gave a normal goodbye last time I was a little disappointed for Andrew like he said it and you're just like goodbye I almost had to put something else in. 17:23.91 Bill White Ah, ah, ah. 17:30.53 Bill White Ah, ah we need his daughter to say Yes, exactly Yeah, we need We need another co-host to help with the babye. 17:34.00 archpodnet He's kind of kid kided ah all right? Well for once his kids not sitting by the microphone making noise like where where are they. 17:44.86 Heather Um I know dog pre plan like hello. 17:47.00 Bill White Um, ah. 17:53.40 Bill White Didn't We just record a whole segment on plan ahead if you have a kid plan. Ah, ah. 18:00.62 Doug Goodbye Yeah I couldn't find the I couldn't find the child I couldn't find the child. She's in the tub. So like she's in the tub. No the tub. Yeah, so. 18:01.27 Bill White Ah, up there. It is out That's all right? They better be there when you retire? oh. 18:02.76 Heather Um, he gave up. 18:03.48 archpodnet Okay, wow, yeah in the tub. Got you all right. 18:09.22 Heather She's in the cupboard in the cupboard. Ah. 18:12.55 Bill White Ah.